Monday, August 3, 2015

Poo's Questionable Views

I know these days it's fashionable for young people to say they like poo and what have you, but did you know poo is pretty much openly anti-dolphin, or something? I mean, it's cool if you're pro-poo, just know what you're supporting. Get educated people!

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Banana Potato Chips

Japanese Food Review #103

These are made by Koikeya. They are a major company, but anyone in the Japanese snack game knows they are a poor man's Calbee's. They have produced three fruit flavored potato chips this year, peach, mandarin, and, the type we will be examining today, banana.

There is a "press release" on the Koikeya website explaining that they would like their fruit chips to become the "4th breakfast" joining bread, rice, and granola. They said they noticed that pancakes (perhaps considered a bread?) and granola are very popular with people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. We all know that children and people over 50 hate pancakes. Anyway, they discovered that both pancakes and granola are often eaten with fruit! So why not spray chips with banana powder?!

While the bag says "banana powder was used", I couldn't detect any real banana flavor. I guess I'm not sure what banana powder means, but it was just that very fake banana taste. If you want to taste this and don't live in Japan, maybe grate some banana laffy taffy over some chips and enjoy. It was that exact flavor. That sounds awful, and it was, but it wasn't so bad that I couldn't eat it. I had two chips. I could have eaten the whole bag, but the thought, "What the hell am I doing?" came to mind, and I stopped.

I think the recipe they share on the back is also of interest.

It's marshmallow banana toast. You put marshmallows, bananas, and banana potato chips on toast and cover it in chocolate sauce. I think it's for people that are worried eating only chips for breakfast is unhealthy. They say the crunchy chips and fluffy marshmallows go well together.

Gaybot: 2.5  Again, I could eat it.
Girlbot: 1  She noted that the banana flavor is very strong when you first put it in your mouth, but it fades away and then only tastes like a chip.
Overall: 1.75

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Stay Hot Kawaii

Nissin has been making very enjoyable Cup Noodle commercials lately. This is their summer commercial.

SPOILER ALERT: I'm going to tell you everything that happens in the above video.

A high school girl is enjoying a cup of instant ramen. She says:

This flavor! Cup Noodle is super cute! Noodles are cute! Shrimp are cute! Hot water is cute! All of it is cute!

All the while she's turning into a Sailor Moon type character. Then a voice says, "Stay hot. Cup Noodle." This reminds us that we definitely don't want to eat this in the summer.

Oh, that was a great commercial..., but wait! We're only half way through! Next we see Tatsuo Umemiya, a famous 77-year-old actor. The audience is wondering what funny transformation we'll see him undergo. This is why I'm not in marketing. I couldn't see that the answer was to have him do the exact same thing as the high school girl.

Fun fact about Mr. Umemiya: He was born in Harbin, China because his family was stationed in Manchuria until after the war ended.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Alternative Human Shop

If you listen to Pavement or have replaced your human genitalia with animal genitalia, this is the shop for you.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Deep Fried Construction Company

When you think of kids, the first thing that pops into your head is probably "deep fried food" and "construction". So why did it take so long to combine the two? This is another one of those vending machine toys with five normal types and one special, mystery toy.

I got the backhoe, or whatever this is. I don't care that much about construction equipment because I'm not a child anymore.

And here's the paper showing all the possible toys. The secret fried construction equipment looks like a tank? So much fun!

Thursday, July 23, 2015

HQ Change

The Times staff would like to apologize for the lack of articles recently. We are in the midst of relocating our headquarters and should be back breaking news stories sometime next week.

Friday, July 17, 2015

JA Bank Summer Edition

I've written about JA Bank's squirrel commercials before. They're usually about opening a savings account in the winter. I think it has something to do with the high number of squirrel deaths in the winter or something. Anyway, they've decided it's probably okay to open a savings account in the summer and made a new hot jam.

One of my favorite summer activities is playing volleyball with a beach ball and having flames shoot out of my left eye before spiking the ball. The lyrics are basically:

Because it's summer summer summer summer, let's save.
(repeat 3 times)
Summer savings!

Or something like that.

They also made a bunch of other weird stuff.

The lady says she's saving money for her dream. The squirrels are both in love with her, and a physical confrontation ensues. Then she buys fireworks and everyone is super happy because the only thing better than sex with the woman you love, is fireworks with the guy who wants to have sex with the woman you love. The will he won't he shoot fire in my eye tension is to die for. So... please open a savings account?

Monday, July 13, 2015


I'm sure you all know that I'm one of the biggest C-SPAN fans this side of Mt. Fuji. That's why I was so excited to see that they've come to their senses and finally opened clothing store in Japan. It was pretty radical. I will say they might want to hire some new clerks. Everyone just acted confused/scared when I started screaming, "Where are the Lindsey Graham socks?! Or which ones do you think he would like to receive for a gift?!" They eventually showed me some socks, but they wouldn't match Lindsey's eyes at all.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

How to Wash Human Hands

Since I brought up washing your hands two months ago, it seems like a perfect time to continue discussing the subject.

You see signs explaining how to wash your hands all over Japan. Especially during flu season, you almost can't avoid them (and the signs will also tell you to gargle). I don't know, I thought explaining how to wash your hands was not really a thing that had to be done. I used to be in charge of making sure some kindergarteners washed their hands before lunch. My instructions were as follows:

1. Wash your hands.

That was usually enough, but for some kids I might have to add:

2. (Dude,) all over.

I think I've got all the steps down, right? WRONG!!! It's a six step process, you idiots! Granted, six steps is probably too many to remember, but what if, instead of steps, you remember some weird poses related to a turtle and a wolf? That can't be too hard.

1. Pray pose. Okay, this has nothing to do with a turtle or a wolf, so it's likely the one you'll forget the most.
2. Turtle pose. You know how turtles are known for riding on top of each other and how that's not impossible? Do that, but with your hands!
3. Mountain pose. Again, no animals, but just remember how you or someone you know likes mountains.
4. Wolf pose. Stupid wolves, always dancing like Frankenstein and scratching their paws. Be like them.
5. Bike pose. What?!! A turtle on a bike?! This I will not soon forget!
6. Caught pose. Remember the old saying, "Turtle catches wolf. Don't even think about touching my wife. I'm a real mother-f@*king turtle, mother-f@*ker!"

There you have it! Your hands will always remain clean if you can somehow remember steps 1 and 3. Probably won't happen. Oh well, just be like a large majority of men in Japan and simply don't wash your hands.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Zero Gravity Chair!!!!

It's finally here! The future is now! I can't believe it's happened in my lifetime! The zero gravity chair!

I guess some people might call it by another name, like maybe "shitty lawn chair", but I think this Japanese company knows that they have changed our reality. No more sitting on cushioned furniture for us.