Boat Race Rap

Remember this boat race commerical? Well, Akkinya is back and just a hair more gangsta than you remember! Just from this 30 second commercial you can tell that Japanese hip hop is light years ahead of its American counterpart. American rap used to be good, but it peaked at "The Bartman" and now pretty much everyone is just trying to do their version of that song. Thank god the Japanese are trying to take the genre to bold new places.

Instant Boobs Video

I wrote about instant boobs last month. Now, at the request of no one, I've made a video chronicalling my adventures with the product. Believe it our not, the song just suddenly came to me. And unlike Paul McCartney changing the lyrics from "scrambled eggs" to "yesterday," these are the original lyrics that floated through my head. Basically, I have more talent than McCartney. And I don't mean to brag, but I still haven't been accused of stabbing a one-legged woman with a broken wine glass, so I might be a better person than him.

Anchor

"Beauty." When you hear that word, you probably picture some sort of an anchor if you're like most humans. But the real "beauty" of this shirt is the message on the top. (I'm pretty sure that could be classified as a witty play on words.)

This is the perfect shirt to wear when you don't have the balls to say, "You can't get mad if it turns out I have a secret husband in Peru, cool?"

Kyary and KFC Krushers

Doesn't this just make you want to swallow too much peyote and try to eat LSD with your eyes... I mean go to KFC? I believe this is actually the second time Kyary Pamyu Pamyu has made a commercial for KFC Krushers, and this time you can hear her song Kura Kura. The slogan is, "Do you kura kura?" As far as I know, kura kura means dizzy or excited. Maybe it's some new slang I'm not aware of. It sounds like she's saying "Chu chu kura kura." Chu is the sound of a kiss, so it's probably about the giddiness of kissing. You for sure didn't need to know any of that. Basically, the ad campaign doesn't make much sense.

Luxurious Chocolat Strawberry Potato Chips

Japanese Food Review #50

 I wrote about vanilla chips over a year ago if you want to read up on the zeitaku series. This time the white chocolate is strawberry-flavored. That's not all, the flavor comes from powder made from real amaou strawberries (the bag seems to indicate that that means something, though even girlbot didn't know what they were). Anyway, they're big and sweet strawberries. Exactly the kind of strawberries you'd want to mix with white chocolate and drizzle on your potato chips.

Ratings: 
Gaybot: 2  Again, they're not quite as bad as you may think, but they are much worse than even the vanilla ones.
Girlbot: 0  Same score as last year, though she agrees these are worse.
Overall: 1

Crab Stairs

Mayor: As you know, we only have $5000 to make the new playground, but you have full control of the money. Could you come up with a proposal by the end of the month?
Playground designer: Would it blow your mind if I made a proposal at this very moment?
Mayor: Wh-wh-whaaaat?!
Playground designer: Get this... Crab stairs.
Mayor: (A single tear rolls down his cheek.) Surely you are simply a vessel an angel is using to speak.

El Fin

Smellophone

Great news! I finally found out why I'm so depressed! It turns out that there aren't nearly enough smells coming from my phone! Luckily, this will soon be a thing of the past. Japanese scientists have developed a product that will release smells from your phone during video games or when a text message is received. We all thought Brett Favre was a fool for sending those crotch shots, but it turns out that if he had simply waited a few years to send them, that chick would totally have been into them.

Giant Taiyaki

Taiyaki is a small fish-shaped cake filled with beans, custard, or whatever else. Tai means sea bream, and yaki means cook. This giant taiyaki isn't a breaded dessert. It's a huge amount of salt covering an actual sea bream.

Here it is before being baked.

And here's the real fish inside. It tastes like salty fish. You can play a fun game I've named, "Try not to eat a mouthful of salt." It's really difficult, and your blood pressure gets higher the more you lose.

Kids Clothes

If I found this in my mailbox in America, I would assume it's a right wing flyer warning what will happen to the youth of the country if gay marriage becomes a reality. In Japan, it's just an ad for kids clothes because you should already want your boy to look like this.

Aliens Develop Vomiting Technology

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu becomes a vomiting fountain in her latest GU commercial. I don't need to tell you how turned on I am right now. I mean, seriously, you'd be super grossed out if I really explained how turned on I am. I have to say, this is brilliant marketing by GU. I guarantee the next time you see a girl projectile vomiting the thought, "Man alive, I could really go for some GU short pants right about now," will suddenly come in your head.