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Friday, October 17, 2014

Colac

Thought we'd stick with the poop theme.


This is a commercial for Colac (コーラック), a constipation medicine. That cute, pink deer is talking about how she hasn't had a bowel movement in three days. Then that sexy deer comes through crapping all over the place showing that it's not only the outside of her body that's perfect. The pink deer thinks that looks nice. We are told to buy Colac and the red arrow on the right reads, "My first constipation medicine." You'll probably want to put that in a scrapbook to show your third husband's kids or something. The story repeats itself with a goat mailman? The commercial ends with the deer pooping on the sentence, "You only need to take it when it won't come out."

Mr. Toilet


O-toire-san, or Mr. Toilet, is a delightful book for young Japanese children with everyone's favorite mustached toilet. There are so many wonderful characters like the urinating squirrel, the pooping snake, the turtles that do morning exercises with Mr. Toilet, and, of course, the young, diaper-wearing giraffe. Your kids will love all the grunts and groans and onomatopoeic sounds the excrements make! Also, there are so many great puns. What 1-year-old doesn't love a large amount of puns?

Oh, and SPOILER ALERT!!!!:

The baby giraffe does end up pooping in Mr. Toilet. The poop, which is at least as large as the giraffe's body, yells, "Hello!" when he comes out. Is is sexist of me to assume the poop is a he? Sorry ladies.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Nikkei Gets You Laid

Nikkei is a financial newspaper similar to the Wall Street Journal. That might not be true. I've never read either of them. This is their latest ad campaign. The top left says, "Update yourself." The big, red writing reads, "Read and you'll see the difference." The babes are all over that dude on the left saying, "Because he reads Nikkei, he knows a lot about the economy and trends," and "It's also the reason he's done a string of good presentations." The lonely virgin playing a video game on the right is saying, "His secret is Nikkei!" I've been doing a ton of research, and it turns out that chicks prefer a guy pretending to be rich over a man who openly, virtually breeds horses.

People might think it's weird to use a comic to sell something to rich men, but the message behind it is true. Like, information is power or something. For instance, did you know that some crocodiles have two penises? I mean, I've never confirmed this, but one can safely assume that at least some have had this deformity. Anyway, next time you're at a bar and some random babe pulls the old, "After awhile, crocodile," line on you, try telling her this fun crocodile penis fact. It's almost guaranteed to get some sort of reaction!

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Learn English from Sushi!!

Despite being forced to study English for around eight years, most Japanese can barely speak it at all. This will all likely change thanks to NHK's "kids" programming (pronounced "keez in Japanese, a good first step). One of the shows aimed at 5th and 6th graders follows some talking sushi (that live in sushi town) around. Here's a link:

You live on Noren Island

It's a great idea to use sushi as characters. That way kids get to learn helpful words that native speakers basically can't avoid saying like tuna, squid, shrimp, and uni. I recommend watching scene 02, and maybe scene 07 as well... or all the ones with the sushi if you're looking to waste your day.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Coffee Melonpan Review

Japanese Food Review #90
I deeply apologize. I bought this on sale and tried to remove the sticker that said it was discounted. It looks horrible.

One thing I've always disliked about canned coffee is that it doesn't come in bread form. That has all changed thanks to Dydo. I've always know that Dydo is just about the coolest canned coffee company  out there. And I'm talking "nearly as cool as the Blue Man Group" cool. Just check out one of many videos they made showing a cool way to shake your can of coffee. This is called Lock Edition:



So they've already blown our minds this year, but now they've somehow figured out how to put that stale coffee taste into a melonpan. Melonpan, or melon bread, doesn't actually taste like melon, it just sort of looks like one. It's normally a light, sweet bread covered in a thin, sort of hard layer of cookie dough.

This coffee melonpan had whipped cream inside of it. It was a very low quality cream. I'd say Twinkies have a higher quality cream. The bread didn't really have a hard outside, but it really did taste like sweet, burnt coffee.

Ratings: 
Gaybot: 2  It was very bad, but it's not the worst thing I've ever had.
Girlbot: 0  She wanted to give it a -1 (very against the rules here at the Times) despite the fact she ate the entire quarter of the melon I gave her. Other than that, all she said was, "I don't want to eat it again."
Overall: 1

Saturday, October 4, 2014

2 Male Hyenas Refuse to Make Offspring

Fun ice cream cones or gay zoo propaganda?
I've heard of doggy style, but forcing two male hyenas to have sex in a cage style? That's not a style, is it? Well, apparently at Sapporo's Maruyama Zoo it is. The zoo announced on the 25th that the two hyenas they've been making breed together since 2010 are both male. The hyenas were never seen "banging" and, in fact, were constantly fighting when put together. One can assume that the local zoo scientists didn't find this odd because female humans often hit and bite them when they attempt to copulate.

The hyenas were a gift from Sapporo's South Korean sister city, Daejeon. It's a typical sister thing to do, tricking you into trying to make male animals have sex together. Man, it looks like the two countries are even after that whole first half of the 20th century prank Japan pulled on Korea.

It might not be that simple, however. All the zoo scientists claim that this wasn't a "wicked" prank and that it is difficult to distinguish between male and female hyenas. The zoo had to put the two to sleep to make sure. I guess the female's clitoris is bigger than the male penis. This means that South Korea may still be looking to do some other awesome prank in the near future.

Source: Doshin Web

Monday, September 29, 2014

Butt Appears Five Years Younger!!!


Some scientists at the Wacoal corporation discovered something shocking. It turns out that if you wear some underwear that a grandma might think looks nice, your butt will look five years younger! The marketing geniuses at Wacoal decided to have the commercial begin with a women's face near a women's butt. Then someone whispers, "butt." Underwear is put on, and the women's voice keeps whispering, "Amazing." We learn that the butt, thighs, and waist all appear five years younger. And the face staring at the butt is also the head that belongs to the butt's body! It's all very artistic and European.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Yaki-imo Ice Review

And now for part two of the first annual Autumnal Ice Cream Flavor Challenge.
Japanese Food Review #89

Yaki-imo means baked sweet potato and is a popular treat in the colder seasons in Japan. Oh, and ice means ice cream. You'll often see dudes driving around in little, white farmer trucks selling them and playing a tape of a guy screaming yaki-imo. Here's an example if you care:



The outside of this treat is a type of wafer simulating the skin of the potato. It's basically a stale ice cream cone and is used with a lot of other year round ice cream treats. Then there's a little chocolate and a sweet potato flavored ice cream. The ice cream really did taste quite a bit like a real sweet potato.



Ratings:
Gaybot: 6.5  First off, I'm a pretty big fan of yaki-imos, and I would prefer the real thing. Still, this was tasty and a little fun or something. I wouldn't mind having one like once a year.
Girlbot: 7  She was very impressed with how well they captured the sweet potato flavor.
Overall: 6.75

It looks like the yaki-imo has defeated the chestnut ice cream! Wow! What a year!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Häagen-Dazs Waguri Review

Well, it's fall again. That means it's time for our first annual Autumnal Ice Cream Flavor Challenge. There are two entries this year!
Japanese Food Review #88
Waguri means Japanese chestnut. I guess it's slightly different from other countries' chestnuts. I'm not really sure. I don't eat a lot of plain chestnuts, but they have many good sweets made from them around this time of year in Japan. The ice cream was white with very thin swirls of sweet chestnut flavoring. The swirls were few and far between. It was as if Häagen-Dazs did not truly believe in their own creation, so they tried to cover most of the taste with a sort of generic ice cream. But as any great dancer knows, no one wants to see a dancer shake his (or her) ass half-heartedly.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5 It was fine, but I expect more than fine from a fake European company.
Girlbot: 5  She said it was basically vanilla ice cream but worse.
Overall: 5

Check back soon for the conclusion of the first annual Autumnal Ice Cream Flavor Challenge.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Cat Killer Caught

Has Hitler the cat gained the ability to control feeble-minded humans?
Earlier this summer it became apparent that a cat serial killer was on the loose in the Ota Ward of Tokyo. Police were finding many dead cats and cat food laced with poison. It reminded me of when Johnnie Walker killed all those cats to make a flute out of their souls and almost reported the story, but I realized no one would know what I'm talking about. Also, it's not a very uplifting story and adds no value to your life.

Anyway, they caught the killer. If you want to read a real English write up, here's the Asahi Shimbun's one.

Some highlights from around the web:

*The police found the 33-year-old killer around 2:30am in a parking lot choking and slamming a cat into the ground. The police used this clue to deduce that this man might kill cats.

*The police then questioned him about the 45 dead cats they had found during the summer. He replied that he'd killed more than 45. This was the second hint that he may have been the killer.

*The police checked his bicycle basket and found 4 dead cats. It was looking more and more like the police had likely found their man. By the way, that brings the total to 50 known dead cats.

*The man said he'd mixed anti-freeze and farm chemicals with cat food. The police had their man!!!

*The man said he killed the cats to get stress out (this is a new strategy I'd never heard of), and because he was angry that his neighbors were feeding stray cats. He wanted to reduce the number of strays.

*The man claims to be a cat lover. Later the police checked his house and found his pet cat that seemed to be well cared for.

*The man is named Shinya Kuboki and is a computer programmer. So far there has been no mention of him claiming to be Johnnie Walker or the magic flute.

Other Sources:
Yomiuri Online
Nikkan-Gendai